Unwanted Wages

Yesterday was a busy day to say the least.I had five patients at the beginning of the shift in IPU. Three discharges planned, one of them to go home with crisis care. By the end of the day, two patients were discharged home, one remained, one died and between 1830pm - 1845pm another patient died and two new patients arrived by ambulance to be admitted. During the day I felt like a gymnastic athlete and each patient was an event to achieve with excellence. I maneuvered the floor routine doing back flips and somersaults to make each step count. By 1100 the first patient was out of the door and I finished my routine with a pirouette. Onto the next challenge, the vault, a quick run to get the next patient out of the door by 1230. Chosen to be an Olympic nurse it is expected to attempt the parallel bars at the same time. Meds are given and comfort provided to the families of dying individuals. Bottoms wiped and foleys inserted. By 1330 the next patient was positioned into the ambulance. The delayed arrival of the ambulance gave me time to comment on paper on my performance. I mentally graded my delivery of care. I gave myself 9 out of 10 for compassion, 7 out of 10 for technique and 2 out of 10 for style. I swallowed 2 chocolate chip cookies as a substitute for steroids. I moved to the balance bar. Nursing is a lot like gymnastics it requires physical strength, flexibility, balance and grace. It is also a team sport and we depend on other disciplines around us to support the action. Without their help I could not do what I am gifted to do. At the end of my shift I was exhausted but satisfied that I had done my best and I could not have done more than that. No gold medals awaited me but food sounded good. This was the last day of a 3 thirteen hour shift and I was looking for a movie and calories. I chose "The Confessions of a Shopaholic" and stopped at Jack in the Box for curly fries, a coke and a spring roll as an added treat. I had stopped at Krogers but I was not in the mood for chocolate, my favorite winning medal. I had consumed the fries during the last five miles home. The hot bath with smelling bath salts was not on tonight's menu. Adrenaline was still surging my veins so I threw of the nursing leotard and put on my leisure outfit. The french fries were forgotten now and the spring roll was not enough to satisfy a mouse. I pulled out the chips and dip. Still not enough so I made cheese on toast. The whole time I was watching the confessions of a shopaholic. The binge stopped when Hugh Dancy, (he is English by the way) asked Isla Fisher why she did it. She said "it makes the world seem better so I shop and I feel better, then it stops and I have to do it again". I thought about why I had to eat when I get home, why it comforts me. Perhaps it is the cortisone increasing my appetite but mostly is makes the stress of the day go away for a while. Alcohol gives me a headache and smoking is not my drug of choice. The shear idea of going out to exercise makes me want to vomit. No answer yet, I am sure counseling might help but the expense of it make me hungry. A support group seems promising with people that can understand.